The Troll Under My Bridge: How I Struggle to Figure Me Out

It’s beginning to show

The intertwining dividends of time invested and growth
My intention provoked, lying listless and broke
Revisiting moments that to me seem explicitly warped
Yosemite vulture, my melatonin dried up some
Sore throat, sore back, amphetamine humdrum
Ever-growing size of my blood pump escaping out of my thorax
500-pound dry-flesh, green alien invasion
The least entertaining eyesore of something alive
Need something to die for, an end to the means
Imagine going to sleep with binary code in your dreams
Wake up to see beating hearts in the sheets
Cupid dart in my daith, superstar on the stage
Taking a nosedive in oblivion, fiending fans in their seats
15:56 in Corinthians, hold me and scream
A cobra in the grass with a boomslang caught in its teeth
Two fangs, bon appetit
You are what you eat
Darkest before dawn at its peak
Marking off doomsday in a week
Nietzsche authored pretty much what I’m telling you now
Nietzsche’s name is the same if you take out all the vowels

Every day is considered lost if we’re not dancing around. Acceptance is a must. I want to forget you, forget that it happened, to protect my destruction. When each minute is elapsed,

It’s said if you’re depressed, you’re living in the past.

If you’re living in the future, then it’s anxiety. Trying to delete this undo button on the time machine. I want to speak to the one. Whether it be with these feet or our tongues. I’m used to this dance. Exchanging euphemisms or moving in trance. Don’t lose me, watching each opportunity snatched.

I don’t know how to express myself without giving away exact details – still obscuring the day. I don’t feel well, I tell myself I’m sure it’s okay. The sunset, the rain, gun smoke, and malaise, the perspiring and tired breaths, our entire tryst – the fire sex. I couldn’t talk fluently – you were my only dialect.

Getting wound up in simile and allegorical speech, creating a world where the orbit isn’t even normal to me. Categorical means. Euphoric disease. It’s tough being an alien. Futuristic portal and beam. Love seeing it rain. UFO license plate reading “catch me if you can”. I love seeing you change, don’t want to see you the same. Love being in rain. I hate leaving a trail of my footsteps exposed. I love sleet, hail and the snow. The same nuisance, just at different times of the year. A love/hate relationship with being insane. Kinda like… we are. Or we were.

Definitely were.

I love to be in control, gunship turret patrol. I hate underlying factors, unresolved moments in gold. Underlining tantrums, I loathe darkness that hides the sunshine for eternity. Motherfucker, I hate all these motherfucking uncertainties. Being doused in someone’s punchline is wildly disconcerting. I dislike being lost, who wants to fist fight in the dark? With house rules: it ignites, when this right lands on your jaw. I want to fight my way out of this shadow. Implant a GPS in my dome, let it beep if I’m gone. Coordinate my geotagged location once more. Hum me a lullaby baby, while I sing along. Lea Salonga’s “A Whole New World”. Carpet stained with coffee grains, and unrealistic expectations and heartless pangs. Sand tower fantasies, where romanticism hardly fades, deep in carnal rage.

And … erotic diction overturns symphonic fiction that’s promised. I feel as if everything I’ve ever thought is invalid or ancient. I can’t quite put my finger on it – and that has me complacent.

I’m back again. I identified the problem, simplified the content. Happiness can’t be figured out. That’s the point in process. You’re either a massless void in rhythm, or a single-celled organism. That was an awful way to put what I’ve been trying to mean. And honestly, I’m torn to smithereens.

Most of the time I didn’t say what I wanted to scream.

I’ve got a troll that lives under my bridge, who uses me as his ventriloquist. Guttural roars slowly coming out of my throat. And that pot of gold isn’t enough to start bringing him home. I’ll take my pulse, and I’m barely breathing, I’ll let you in on a secret- I’m exponentially worse than I was five minutes into this story. But yeah, worse is better than the nothing I stared into this morning.

Spinning the howitzer, just to get me out of the house. Sometimes I’ll take a shower and put it on freezing. Sit there until I figure it out. Goosebumps surround sound system, hallways in black. Broadway show finishing now. Curtain close. Audience gasp, lights on me gently taking a bow.

Published by Cristian Leonardo Gajardo

Welcome to Cristian’s Cafe, a website where I showcase my various forms of expression and happiness. Here you can find poetry, podcasts, personal blogging, research articles, open mic, comedy, and art. Whether you are looking for inspiration, entertainment, or information, you will find something that suits your taste and mood. Enjoy browsing through my content and feel free to leave your comments and feedback. Please note that the Wi-Fi connection may be slow or unstable at times, so please be patient and look at the art instead. Thank you for visiting Cristian’s Cafe

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