Cold Summer Woes

in my humblest woe, I loved you with candor
frankly you were a rare summer wind
astonishingly surprising, a fountains brush

you took the air out my lungs, goosebumps on my legs
a breath out the ordinary, for such a open season
you were colder than most could believe in
a bohemian, bummer bar.

right after bumper car adventures

it was mid July and we’d tumble/fall into a vivid scent

maybe that’s why they call them somersaults

i’d tailgate the rubber off your miniature go kart

we’d laugh, and bump into each other

like that one day, we met…
If summer was broken up into seasons where
you broke me, the solstice would fall 10 times a year
and it’d probably be because; you were the cold summer wind
until autumn brushed on your skin

Leonardo

guillotine lust

particle physics; radiation cusps at every speck and a grain
that didn’t mean infecting the inflections as your hypothetical claim
bite the bullet. swallowing the pistol. it shoots
harboring a hollow feeling. sipping miller to boot
coil gripped Corona, drowning out social persona
were evolving into moths, wallowing towards the
murky gray skies. yeah, the coffee! what’s next?
marvelous pillow talk over a body of sex
heel gone from the left side of my moccasin treads
in particular, inarticulate guy with philosophers breath
cotton linen robe; tonight i uncover the secrets you stashed
underneath the cardinal chasm embedded deep in the cracks
try to unfurl the english, through your lips on contours
christmas carolers scarf, closed captioned lyrics encore
wept for concourse, a few have witnessed my characters arc
behind the lighthouse, my sailors boat tried to signal off shore
shelf life of a dying love is only half of what you want it to be
being in love, and being in dumb. It doesn’t mean I’d just drop it and leave
singing the songs, for the markers. autumn leaves for the author
monastery blues. with the indents of my knees on the altar
statistician Jack Daniels keeping crop of my phobia lot
who woulda knew behind every letter is a quarter of scotch
a stench of me in the shirt i gave you ‘for the aroma in seams’
with 4 inches of your middle carpal on a mobile digital screen
a soul gazer, in trench-coat i remember the buttons with such reminiscence
forgetting how to speak to me, Landau-Kleffner expression
promises made by executioners fueled by the guillotine lust
soft lips, with a barbed tongue, said your farewells with a clean cut

…shoot me in the foot. sparing me any beamed blood

Freshly dressed tourniquet

Empyrean cosmos. This feeling I swallow; it’s real. It’s hollow, but there. I know it. It’s growing, a hole full of sorrow, it’s weird. Some sort of eery control. It’s sculpted out a grave in my heart, it’s six feet into my soul. Clay soldier statue that’s woven and wound up by fear. Wounded by perceptions and ousted by fear. I’m used to it, ruthless, I’m near it, I smell, it; I hear. And movements that veer into me, is getting boosted. It’s like every little thing is in motion for me. Emotionally, my blood pumps. it’s mundane humdrum. I’m so used to panic attacks when it happens, I’ve practiced drowning myself to get better at ‘em. Crusted bark falling off the sharp edges of trees. Hearts with initials were pleas for adjustments in romance. CG + your initials here. Or Your initials here, + CG, because ladies go first. It’s old. And when the heart breaks in half, my part of the heart looks like a parenthesis ). It’s funny, because you said I always kept everything a secret, like a sidenote, like parenthesis. I get it, see. I’m holding the keys that unlocks the deepest, boldest embarking trips to the depths of my soul. I don’t even know if it fits, homesick, if home is where the heart is, i don’t even know if my home fucking exists. Went for a doctor check-up and hugged him when he said I had 65 beats per minute. “really?!” I said, with a smug grin on my face. That’s 65 reasons a minute why I hated myself. Verbal vortex ripped in coercion. I’ve lived a minute for 23 years and, I’ve tasted helplessness in 65 different version. I’ve envisioned never being hurt and it’s never visioned. Feeling defeated every second, I sarcastically think ‘is that why its called beats per minute?????’. Overly saturated covert emasculation. Social emancipation, i’m vocally allocated. Totally placid. Manipulative dickhead. Owner of phallus castle, got my troops and took over ovary palace. Sensory sonar. Very elective, and deceptive. It’s no arms combat. I’ve learned to defeat you physically by waving a pistol made with the way my lips sway and turn words into bullets. It’s only defense. I’m the least offensive person alive. I’d totally offend you though. don’t hurt me, I’m ready to let you go. Let us go. In an emotionless scene, and ocean or sea, of developing flowing disease. I could kiss the wrists you executioned me with. Puckering kiss cracks like the whip that antagonized our failure. I apologize for action, that me, myself and I don’t acknowledge in real. I’m molded. Grown old and outsourced. It’s like the mold in a spore. Can barely afford to pay attention to myself, how would I know I was there for you.

IT’S 2 A.M AGAIN, wooohooo.

 

its 2am

i feel interconnected through any vine or snippet of life
perennial inflorescence of any 6 seconds are chimed
the success is a hive. hummingbird wings in slow motion
hearing the crickets sing, so monotone yet obscurely composed
feels like they’re talking to me, as i walk on the leaves that i cross
demure. you’re so provocative. and i’m surely a ghost
crunching of autumn, is like a skeleton field for tiny trees in the fall
to possess you is a  perfect choice, and you’re as alluring, a host
sunbathed petals, drowning in jack’o’lanterns of coffee & pumpkin
squash the soggy leaves, after a beer. underneath the frothy assumptions

it’s cost me a fortune. ink-jets flew the loss to the profits
that’s just the cost out of pocket, i wore the pants, but you wore the wallet
living a martyr. nose-dive a dotted plane into soil
where waves were uncoiled, from the amber gaze, to the point where it boiled
hear the ether perform. a duet with 42 degrees, and a choir
robotic vampire, nothing to do but to sink my teeth into wires
mechanical organism, metamorphing orphan. with a heart full of gears
bleeding gasoline endorphins. pros&cons was the love you pretended to smear
propane huffed outta’ my ears, olfactory prose transposing as mutants
you wrote me off as a human, with me begging you to hear me out. it was ruthless.
wasnt enough. contraption malfunction
the sound drowned out. a whisper was like dropping a mountain above it
teardrops were waves, where even a arc wouldnt suffice
you took two of each beast that i had, so immediately, I….
just lost it.
you whittled a soldier out of clay, from the earth a clone was conceived
with a chisel that was made by the bones of deceased
you were the cotton in an aspirin, a linen in my attire i wasnt accustom
to go into combat for you with a war-drobe and the cloth that it’s cut from
ungodly. the humdrum. i couldnt acquire the taste
you were so tongue in cheek with me. i blushed into haste, when you asked if i’d want some

all i want is 5 minutes where we understand each other completely
where we aren’t drunk, or having sex. sigh. where you just complete me
developments real. the buzzing of broken street lights. are loud
suburban cemetery. not a real burial ground. that’s the imagery
you stole what i had, but now that you did, my souls deep with love
you need so badly what i have, but now i don’t even want
hows it feel to have it? i couldnt sate it but maybe i was deeply depressed
it doesnt diminish my character. but it diminishes you. exposes your WEAKNESS. you werent even a friend
you poked fun at my features, especially crucial to the dent near my nose
which were filled with rain drops from my pupils. there now tears are used as placeholders, for now they’re never exposed
so hastily brash, sorta insane, but with class,
you took the sage and lit ablaze the incense with aroma my nasal could grasp
heart rates out the bag. but a cat caught this lung! out of breath and out of reach
a tongue with an abrasive touch, i just wanna say, what i wanna say, without the effect of me to stay in this funk
i dont even try to be me, i try to be me, but for you just like me. to see me as something else besides a jaded complexion.
you were into astrology. i read the sign of a pisces for august 10th and copied it cause i knew you would make the connection
i manipulated myself, but in that i manipulated you
all it took was a simple placement of emotion, for you to be the creative ink of my next scintillating muse
pixelating. ruse. miscellanoeus. who? ive never been vindicated cause vindications rude.
ive been to places, you….. couldnt move to. in a million years
walk a mile in my boots..
where bricks from the ceiling and the steel-toe sorta disappears.
dissipating. pointless. ventilating. poignant. vision aided moistness
where physics plays a joint version of the bible’s revelations. over and over again.
my wound is opening. fix the sutures. fix my future. remove gauze
remove smog. sterilize. feral eyes. then apply the ointment.

its 2am

IT’S 2 A.M

hello crickets. im sad. (the wonderful thing about crickets is they’ll keep chirping if you’re talking to them)The world is at a crossroads. It’s silent and heavy. The cultures the clashes. The cancer, the caving. The careers and consultations my mentors suggest. I look at beautiful woman and I want to tell them they’re beautiful. To smile. I look at men I have some interests with and I want to tell them “hey man, that’s cool.” the comment alone is enough for me as a interaction. sometimes It’s lonely. sometimes you want them to be interested in what you have to say. Sometimes you want a meaningful conversation. sometimes I don’t want to fantasize about sexual trysts. I just want to roll around in some grass and wiggle my toes and I want someone just opposite of me wiggling their toes in the dirt too,- and we notice each other doin it and we keep on wiggling our toes. I want to share that connection with someone else. I want someone to think the same exact thing as me for 5 minutes straight at least, and it’s unfortunate sex is probably the only time that’ll hold a true sentiment. but maybe not. at 2am I become myself. it’s for two things, nobody is up, it’s quiet and it’s dark. so you can be yourself, think and the darkness compels you to stay inside. preferably in a room alone. The leaves are slowyyy beginning to fall. I hear crunching in the grass more often when I walk everyday. the breeze has a scent to it. the sun hits you as if to say “prepare my child, I won’t embrace you like this for awhile” you’re on your own. Kids are back to school and yellow is a common theme. this summer was a thunderbolt and my life changes like the sea in a hurricane. It’s almost 2015 and I’ve barely known you 2014. I’m tired of trying to please people by lowering my standards. why do people leave me? Sometimes I feel if I’m nice to a girl she’ll think I want sexy or a relationship. And I’m categorized into this placer with a bunch of other men. I don’t feel like a man when I’m categorized, I feel like a dinger. I sigh when one of my questions turn into avoidance. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to confuse you. or if they think I’m suitable they’ll invite me further to chat. I just want a friend. sometimes I feel too smart and other days too dumb. sadness knocks on my door and says just this one time. I kiss you and think, “just.this.one.time” I lunge at the thought of having a friend. selfish to the fact I knew its hurt you more than me. loneliness makes you desperate. but it’s okay, alcohol and coffee make you new my dear. Sinatra on the record player just isn’t enough these days. his voice doesn’t make me smile enough these days. the glass stains with wine become a more repetitive thing. And I just can’t seem to put things together. God is looking more like a scapegoat. What about the times he let me down? Was he testing me then? this is the single most longest test and he’s the single most patient proctor. I’m starting to think the test doesn’t exist. actually I know it doesn’t. it’s 2am

HOT CHOCOLATE

HOT CHOCOLATE

I walked out in the cold today. Eyes lazy. Burning cause of my allergies. Dogs chain brushing against his collar. Night time. I don’t like looking at shadows that much, they make me dizzy. Something about the abnormal shape makes my head spin. And they’re so rigid. I smelled something. That ‘time of the year’ smell. It filled my soul with a plush, perfect painting. I like chimneys. Theres something so old about them. I used to look at christmas books with the oil santas drawn with his bushy jolly beard and cheeks. Snow scenario, red and green illuminating the tundras of decembers winter. There’s something so relaxing coming in from the cold, to a nice, warm inside, with nice warm cloth, cotton bedsheets wrapping around you. There’s something so perfect about the way it all makes me feel. The air even has a ring to it. Cars veering by on the veranda make a different noise, maybe because the air is colder. The rubber hits the pavement different. IT’s just that time of the year. The cold, dark tiny gusts of air brush against my face. My sinuses are a bit more clogged so everytime I breath I hear myself. This makes me feel closer to the earth. I feel vulnerable. I better rush in. The vivid pictures my mind slowly paints are ones I wish I could share with humanity. Cause it’s these moments where I think everything is absolutely perfect. I havent seen these images described in cinema, in books, anywhere really. I want to be the first to recreate it, somehow. My words, aren’t good enough. I can spend a day findingthe perfect exact words, only to fall short. It’s a hypnotic, leafy, perfect, intoxicating scent. When I use the word intoxicating, I mean it. It’s where all my five senses combine to create this perfect, integral part of my psyche. I can be seen as a bystander walking a dog, but no one on earth would think I’m in total bliss. I’m so happy. I want to walk through the snow in thick coating, and boots. I want some to get in my sock, just to bother me a bit. Then to melt as I seal my boot up. I want that wet spot to stay until I get home next to a roasting fire and shutting the windows just that centimeter tighter so that the howling wind persists. Spinning the record player. I’d hum to it too. It’d be peaceful, but there would be lots to do. A jigsaw puzzle everybody ignores would be the center of attention. A playful clamoring of friends and family, with hands jolting in and out – “that piece doesn’t go there damnit!” and laughter would erupt. I sit back and take it all in after I say a joke that makes everybody laugh. As they’re laughing I sit back with a puzzle piece in my hand. The scent hits me again. Sending an aromatic high. For these seconds everybodys laughter is in slow motion, the chimney crackles heighten immensely, though only I can hear it. A grin roars from my face. And everything is back in motion. The slow motion persists, and the laughter that ensued isn’t warped in the time shift. I crack my toes in some thick wool socks. Nobody knows I’m cracking them, cause the crackling of the firewood is louder and, theres laughter. It feels so good. If bad news hit right now, I feel we could solve it immediately. I go out to the porch. It isn’t 2014. It feels like the 1950s. A landrover pulling up reminds me that is isnt 1950. They didn’t exist. A scarf shields my long neck. I despise my long neck. The cold always affects it. But I guess scarves were made for me. It feels so good. Someone coughs, and I tell them, here have some chocolate and feel better. I know how it is to feel sick when everybodys having a good time. I should make everyone hot chocolate. With marshmellows. Pour some wine for the more daring. We should be happy. I take a tiny sip that wets the brim of my lips. My eyes arent burning. My allergies seem to have subsided. How much more of this ecstasy could I take.

Quoted for emphasis on, fuck my life.

It’s been a minute, how you doing? Just trying to laugh with you. Making a joke or two, just laugh with me. I realize it isnt going to work if we both aren’t in it. But I want it to. Foggy visions. Wanting both of us to be in it. I- i, i..i stutter in my thoughts, so talking without this muse would be disaster. If I’m the rain that nourishes thirst, you’re the hurricane that uses the rain that it’s named after. Sprinkling chakra. The way the winks made me feel unique to someone. They say all snowflakes are especially different, so tell me why wouldnt a kiss then? They have the same characteristics. It’s a personable haste. Now a blizzard is personification. you’re both fun to put in my mouth, and adorably cute, a signature is etched the fibres of my tongue; but last but not least you’re exceptionally cold. Once, I expect to be told. I expect to be loved. I expect the gentleness of said snowflake, to be lunged. They say doves only have one lover their entire lives, and if that other partner dies they’ll be alone forever. I dont know, whatever. Why I compared myself to a bird. Cause birds fly, and it felt you kept me down all the time. Clipped my wings and set me to fail. I try to take off, but noticed snips in my tail. I refused to believe you were the one to do this, because ignorance to the bliss is solely therapeutic. I’d never get on through it. I remember the way your fingers fluttered across my chest. Nails meshed in with the gentleness of your flesh. It was hot. Not sexually, but a warmth a gauge of temperature couldnt even describe. Your finger tips so soft, but your nails scratched me. It was the perfect portrayal of how you could be so soft then hard the next second. It’s almost stupid to remember it so vividly. When I’m sipping coffee on the veranda it seems to just hit me. Black and white memories, cause if it were color you’d be blinded by it. Red is all I remember, and it wasn’t clearer than water. Maybe that’s why people say blood is thicker than water. Somber. akin to the descriptions of when people say they could feel the words in a song. That. Or the feelings of when a group of people listen to the same tune and slowly start singing along. That. Or when you hug someone you want to, and for that moment you’d feel you never feel all alone. That. I sorta chuckle when I write this. Eyes watery, I never liked this. I sift and I wander thinking to myself what I couldve done right; it’s. Sifting through every single thing hoping to correct myself for the future. Living in present, pretending to not be weary of the past. Irrelevant to the sutures you took out in the stitches of time. The clocks ticking. A glimmer, a shine, a jingling chime, a smidgen in the make-up of a rocky relationship. I made jokes about rocky relationships saying I love every movie Syllvester Stallone was ever in. I’m sarcastic, you hate it. Wanting someone to laugh, the impatience. Is getting to a point where the room turns to sepia once I step into it. Grayscale erosion, it used to be beautiful the colors eroded. Try explaining the color to a blind person, you can’t. Stuck in a dilemma, of painting pictures of you with no canvass to draw on. Relationship is getting to the point where only my hard on is all theres to look forward. Lift my soul out my body, anytime you it was warranted. I was already in your prison, I didn’t even need that warrant of arrest. I don’t know why I have memories of me kissing you in third person. I guess that’s the closest I get to an out of body experience. I’m always making you laugh, so it’s tough to tell when I’m serious. Into a bar, I didn’t want to drink – ordered a soda. Putting up a front, different persona. Bartender looks at me, as she fills up the glasses. Pub wit a fire place, the crackling in corner is all I hear, and it’s happening. Until I fill it up with liquor to forget that it happened. It’s funny, we use wine as means to have some confidence. Then we use it to lose consciousness only to wake up regretting it even occurred. Soul is bound by a union, to protect and to serve. A kiss represents a sticker. Hope we arent strangers now, there would be a time where I couldnt predict what you did, but if you did it when you did it, I knew that you would. It wouldnt be because you werent predictable, it would be cause when you put your hand to my chest, my heartbeat was giving you visions of what do to next. My sexual psychic, with prophetic visions embedded in the circles of your palm. I kiss those circles with my tongue. God knows whats in the future for us. Too bad My tongue couldnt decipher your palm in that moment. If only I could lick your other palm, I would but nowadays that’s impossible. You quickly remedied your movements as if I had to guess what to do next. So passive aggressive; not obviously, but it was so subtle I barely noticed. Now I dream, and when I dream I wish I wasn’t asleep. It hurts. I’m awake now, but I wish I was dozing. Crying to myself in bed, I buy them white so the tear soaked stains aren’t as relevant to see. I see you in the clouds, I see you in the puddle I forcefully restrain myself from stomping on in the rain. They say eyes are a mirror to the soul, but all I see in reflections are eyes darker than coal. If that’s true, I hope it doesnt mean everything is in a heap of ashes. Keep your glasses off, you look cuter without them. Keep your glasses on, they look cuter without you.

Jigsaw Heart. Try to put it together

See. It’s retribution. It’s emblematic of your initial assessment. It’s been erratic. Every visceral session seems to be coming back to bite me in the ass. Are you pisces? I heard that some pisces were, pretty rad. clueless to the superfluous mix. clueless to what i’m doing or did. am i pursuing a gig. am i pursuing cause pursuing’s a bitch. It’s useless. Every mistake I make, or made is etched in razor blades in every thing i do’ed or i did. and everything i do’ed or i did, is the biggest, single most catastrophic thing on the planet. cristians feelings are an inchworm, nothing to get upset over; it happened. I’m supposed to forget. I’m supposed to act like it didnt even occur or had action. imagine a bird. yup, cerulean skies in the background, yup, not a single cloud in sight. yes, both wings flying at a height above it’s regular flight. zoom out of focus. blurry reach. Now imagine a second bird with one wing. trees clearly visible. altitude considerably low. sigh. gliding to get within wings reach with unbearable might. who’s the second bird? edit: and this idiomatic stone didnt kill the two birds, (it almost killed me). GOD damnit! Wish a comparison to birds wasnt suitable now. IS THERE A SUTURE? Like a symptomatic expression OF aerial gaze that didnt seem so arid today?. Like what the hell was I doing til now? It’s useless. You’re ruthless, Hardly keep it together. God. If I clasp my fists any tighter my hand is capable of squeezing an atom. Split it into till we’re wiped clean from the datum. I mean it. Solely wish it were true. Wish anger bits mixed in anew. Pistol chambers seem so apocalyptic to this inaugural world. When wind freezes your skin seeps an aura as the muteness hits pause. & we swirl. Dealt two blows, to the overbearing passive aggressive. so manic depressive. You told me what you wanted before you didnt want it to hit, and wanted me to understand that you wanted it without telling me all that you did. I tried to understand where you were going, but the manipulation was titillating. Indicative of  vindication where most of the passion was closed in. I’m tired of questioning. You were my boat, and by that I mean when I sailed along on the coast. Sure everything underneath me would stay down. Laid out a blueprint, that was slowly stained out with red. I hate headaches. But everyday, every morning I rubbed my eyes and the chest pain, just going over the argument the night before. Eye-sores a common occurrence. It cost as a person. Pits of flowery petals. Not of flowers, but of ice with a patternized crystal that maximizes the the colors of this slightly plaid sonnet, with a luminous missile that twinkles when light refracts off it. Coffee and liquor, sometimes I mix them and call it elixir. A brew of congested chestnut. Nothings better than driving in a convertible top 6 speed through a closed tunnel layoff where the temperatures below freezing at 4 in the mo’rning.

You know what’s sexy? You.

You heard how I breathe when I sleep

or how I did those odd little moan noises
it was funny. I just laughed. At how we laughed.
Sad. Now I’m sad over how we laughed.
A neptuniun fury. Name it a curtain call
The brim of the acrylic cloth that buried shadows in our love
hallow in the squeaky bed bolted in with rusty lugs
lunging forth to start the sunup, under covers dried with passion
in our eyes their lies a passive, sane, perhaps a way, cause absence
makes my heart grow odder. 
struck gold. pick axe made out of my own bone. 
marrow that you’d swallow, diamond in the rough. drone
piling up. glow in the dark. we’d pair up together so close to heart 
if we were of other genus from the start the geniuses on Noah’s arc couldn’t have us thrown apart.

I like fictional books. The main character is always me.

Feel the vectors into orbit, melting into fiscal porn
Each waking moment. Exists to mourn the pensive rigor mortis
And I hate myself so much every. single. morning.
Its like clockwork. Lonesome. Staring in the mirror.
See a monster. Bones drugged. Mainly see the errors.
Home drunk. Sloppy. With a motor function failure
Open palm my soul in one. The shodokans prepared
Im off the bat. Im off the case. Im solely here to reap
A wad of air I waste. So oddly placed you forget to even breathe.
You wake up in your sleep. Catch your breath, and then youre weak
Wake to a dim reality that youre never truly buzzed
Whole life I never felt hungover.
Till I was happy once, then got drunk, so THEN I felt hungover
Like ignorance was bliss, sort of an ignorance to drugs
To duly know that without or with that my life just really sucked
Like ive been wasted the entire time, while I was fucking sober
Bring the jester in, and clamor while I become a fucking stoner.
Unbelievable. The whole time I was fooled into misnomer.
Eat and see, consume and teach then touch just like conformist.
You arent watching a trainn wreck this is not a pure performance.
This is unadulterated steroids being pumped into my assortment
Lie inside apartment. Learing at the star scape.
See your jaw to constellate. Im so pleased to see your star face.
Everything I wrote, always had someone in mind.
Overcoat. And overwhelmed. Now dear no one resigns

We’re 5 minutes apart.

Cause in this world? Your worlds restricted. 
When curtains shine through blackness. We play and then we’re victim
Every person out to get us.

every person tries compassion?
It’s more than mere prediction. There the serpent lies unchallenged
But you whirl and try to damage. Cause you’re weak and your worlds afflicted.
But to no concern to you, that serpent turns into a worser type of dragon
You’re hurt. Your mind abandons. No service. Wires. Synapses
The sadness morphs to scene addiction. Your journeys right of passage
Feel worthless. I have had it. And addiction turns to habit.
Fervid. Decline to comment. You persons can’t certainly try to fathom!
what’s become or what’s to come. but you can read it in description
the words are tiny, and they’re captioned.  then you hurl up your prescriptions.
It’s tightly woven. Mixture of ambition. Has slowly earned it’s actions.
Artist dies with his work, and this model just burns inside the pageant
It’s of worth, and it’s off-course. The piercing pains pans in. AND I want more
Of course what’s written inside the diction, are more than I could manage
It’s the purpose. And these conditions. Are perfect. my mind is madness.
And remember, y
ou can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.