you don’t matter 

 
I live by a few quotes. And one long ass mantra. a few of them more depressing than others and a few of them, that don’t make any fucking sense.
 one
I don’t want to tell anybody congratulations, ever. I don’t want to give people the gratitude of me acknowledging them. I want to compete with them silently. I want them not to know that I’m sneaking up behind them. I want to be a ninja.
two. 

id commit suicide. I’d commit it in an instant. But, God damnit. I was never good at commitments. In fact I’m horrible. In fourth and fifth grade we were supposed to exchange gifts for the holidays, my partner was my ex best friend, and I didn’t get him anything because I thought the clock I got, was a horrible gift. I was the only kid in class that showed up with nothing. I said I forgot. 
three 
 I don’t have a fear of failure. My fear comes from despising myself when I do. and I will fail, and when I do. I don’t. cause I don’t take chances. I don’t apply for jobs, I don’t ask girls out on dates, I don’t push myself in the gym, I don’t write the best I can, because I’m scared that my best will be a failure. I wrote this entire poem starting at 7:59 pm today. My train is about to land in penn station. I’m currently getting no service on my phone cause we’re going underground. I’ll never try my best. I don’t deserve it. 
and last but not least my fourth and final passage I live by. 

I’ve learned that everything in this life isn’t about you. like even at your own wedding. That isn’t about you. Don’t worry you’re still important! But this isn’t about you. . You, you, and you. Remember the most important day in your lives? They weren’t about you. But it’s ok. When I was 4 I scraped my knee, and I cried, I was in the park with my dad, and he helped me and hushed me. He asked if I was okay, and I cried yes. He looked at me and said okay, quiet now, we’re in a public park and everybody’s looking at you. This isn’t about you. You’re fine. And I stopped crying.