I’m a fucking fire breather.
Breathing fire. Eating dragons for breakfast
who wants charred lips and melted tongues
I’ve held back for quite some time
exerting no strength, or contempt,
my self worth looks like i’m a ball of fire making the sun nervous
ink blots and think thoughts disregard your discourse
monster ready to munch on your mantras, toothpicking the mistakes from my molars
barely learn from them
and
I wake up from nightmares hardly impressed
“more creative next time, mr. brain”
maybe next time my heart will stop, it’s such a
laughable sequence, you could never understand
i ain’t lazy
just smart.
maybe that is what smart is. not doing something to appear as lazy.
maybe complacent, maybe in darkness
or maybe i’ve adopted the “you work hard, i work smarter”
smarter to stay under wraps
i don’t want to inconvenience anybody so i’ll
catch a sneeze in the air
i’ll yell from the sidelines
telling Ali his footwork needs work
looking at my mile times
like godamn, and good lord, how old is too old to compete in the big runs?
and i’ll say things like “nows a good time to start investing in third place trophies”
i dumb down vernacular to be able to speak to people, and my
masochistic flair pops up when the lactic acid settles in
my only weakness is not knowing when to try
do
i do it or not. am i afraid of failing or afraid of not being the best?
do i love you or not?
it’s the only time
where I’m clueless.
i love it. i think.
i hate it, i think.
what I do know is that I’m scared of these dungeons i’ve never visited before
i barely gave you a chance
because I’m terrified of rejection
but ..oddly attracted to how you make me listen to you
not by force
by this weird chemical reaction that happens perhaps
it’s the only thing i can’t decipher
so i try to break it down, like my chemical reactions
molecule by atom
acid and protein
muscles and madness
deconstructing everything into dust
but i didn’t need too
I never did. And unfortunately
I’m only figuring that now
masquerading dominance with self love, and blood
self deprecating jokes were my crux, and i’m so close to implosion
like, you came out of nowhere
right there
but nowhere
RIGHT THERE.
but, nowhere
sometimes i like solving puzzles in seconds
and, i sometimes analyze “self portrait facing death” so, i know where you thought your last thought, Picasso
sometimes there’s
no escaping the big brain
but you, oh you! with you,
i can’t figure anything out. and it’s RIGHT THERE.
where? right here, buried underneath all this debris
she’s right here, cristian!
bring the good-boy bloodhound to sniff at the hole in my heart?
maybe. but right there.
whisper and maybe you’ll bring her back to life
right there
(read this next bit in tinier text.) right there
i remember i was in mexico city strutting like a vagabond
my game was
to memorize everybody’s face for five minutes.
and needless to say each one of them visited me in my nightmares to tell me to stop.
and i’ would see them on random excursions nearby in the city, and id say I’ve seen you before!
and i’d sleep for half a day. go hiking
so what i’m trying to say is that all along
those faces
were right there.
the whole time- as were you.
not physically.
you know?
like sometimes i feel you, warm, like fire, right there
but i know the heat from my tongue wouldn’t allow you to be