Skylit Lighthouse: Watching Our Eyes Meet Our Lips

We spent an hour alone, watching our eyes meet our lips.
My revolver’s extinct, extinguishing meandering thoughts,
Cradled across indifference, right into addiction,
Deference to malice, rosebud digitalis reborn, a grin.
While I think about things I haven’t before,
Soaked in grimace and gin while I’m singing along,
Philosophers’ physics, you had me at ‘gone,’
Underneath the chasms we nuzzled upon.

Dreamt that you nightmare’d, that I had dissolved,
To the active involvement of our rapid devolving.
I caught you at 12 under the crescent moon of December,
BMW leather, something that you’ll soon remember,
Luminous, lecherous, somehow loosened endeavors,
An uphill battle to oblivion, where passion is glued in forever.
Funny how erratic romances never seem to be better
Than hand in heart, avant-garde fractions remeasured.

You tethered my inaction with half-wit adventures,
Regretted the hand I played once you passed out the deck.
I questioned your motives of why you accepted
My friendship, out of desire or a dying affection.
Like it happened out of nowhere, it’s hard to pretend
That I’m not an infectious disease in dire need of a medic.
I mean, at least that’s what I get out of your attention,
‘Cause the seeds you planted have weeds in them.

Nirvana doesn’t exist in this squander of thought if you aren’t elected.
If the devil wears Prada, it’s because you modeled for them.
This is just misjudgment of honest broads, a cautious indifference,
Treating genuine women with impartial disinterest.
Just a devilish debonair with his cavalier distinction,
The hemisphere changes with its Australis emissions.

So now I stare at the stars, I hate that I’m this,
Paint constellations with apathetic detachment,
Atmospheric phenomenon, in hindsight, it was madness.
So now we wait, wait for the sky to hit limelight
While I cascade into blackness. Damn it.

The Last 5 Titles: Echoes of a Tormented Soul

I’ve scrapped my last five writings, with the opening sentences starting with,
“It’s hell in this darkness,” “Dearly departed, please be here for my heart.”
The other three were as stark: “I hate being alive,”
Don’t seem to remember, one rubric: “Demons inside.”
Life is overrated, diluted with wine,
My tears empower me, a tailspin fusion designed
To reinforce and devour these current sutures, I try,
Irritated, I could feel the torque overpowering madness,
The endless script, scour for breadth in callousness.
Out of breath on land, but at peace underwater,
No feelings, this author reveals at the end of the chapter
That he doctored/remastered his slivers of sonder.
It’s physical misconduct, picture cigarette soft burn,
Sepia softer, silky seeping… Mossberg,
You’re examining my life on repeat,
And it’s slightly appeasing to people reading,
Each piece to critique the mystique I deliver each weekend—or month, or year.
It’s weird, I can’t survey time-frames in increment values,
Separating migraines from lachrymation is sad too,
Just script what I have when my soul’s in a vacuum.
Red dwarf fighting a black-hole ready to eat me,
Dissect the inside of my pen, where ash grows tethered beneath,
The mass knows, the malice that backhands this skeleton species,
You’ll find remnants of relic of this deeply defined, delicate E.T.
A cavalier lifestyle, the atmosphere where sadness smears nice smiles,
In half a year, went from happy tears to having fear light fires,
A tower with a floor unbolted. I’m a boatman with no course, no joke.
Thousand waves found their way, like an omen or horoscope,
Had the wind knocked out of its sails, with winds brought up from hell.
Sing by myself and it sounds beautiful; help,
When I’m around super sopranos I can’t sing all that well.
An imperfect mesh of nervousness that curls from my snarling lips,
Like a surge of restlessness that stems from the furl of depression,
Defensive, protective, self-deprecation, or self-preservation?
Dedicated to a distaste for eternity, and to being enigmatic,
If you ain’t honest with yourself, who can you expect to feed you a truth
That dismantles your courage? Without feelings of soothing,
I see a lighthouse that I’ll never reach, so I kiss my lantern with fervor,
Feel the surge of a burning sun when you mess with the solar flares,
Or don’t, my soul’s ensnared. Most likely, I’ll tell you that I don’t care.
Touch paintings of fuel like Braille I consume,
My muse, it entails within rules of varying doom.
Feed off energy that doesn’t exist in a physical sense,
Even spiritually, and its progression is hasty.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that’s the start of an inherently crazy,
Apparently brazen human being, with narratives caved in.
Communicate with airwaves that illuminate the way,
Laid in a zany loop of naysayers that feed them daily soup to trailblaze,
Tied up in this phalanx suit of grayness, where hatred blooms the helmet,
Doesn’t have a rhyme or reason for simple explanation,
That in theory is relevant to his searing insaneness.
I don’t fucking get why I’m like this,
I accept all and any likeness to help me on this quest, or this crisis,
I carry the heads of lions on my belt, and then it’s goodbye.

The Chromatic Dreamer’s Journey

I salivate at the thought of atom lasers and waves of splattered rainbows,
The way they collaborate on an acid halo,
technicolor schemes that I’d envy more than me.
Oh, what it is to be, a color never dreamed,
enactment of life, elapsed by the clockwork collapsing of time.
Facets of ‘why does it all hurt?’
A village helps a villager; if the villagers hurt,
Do these pills help the piller if his pillars are burnt?
His bridges are burned? His highways corroded,
How do I ride into the sunset if I can’t shift out my motor?
Road to hell is paved with gold embellished shades, it’s so subjective.
Wave hello to your soul in separate planes,
I don’t know.
Stuck in a layer of concrete, put flower petals to the metal,
A gentle giant so powerful, yet afraid of his heartbeat.
Accept what we think we deserve—excuses for bad behavior,
Human nature to constantly be stuck in reverse,
it gets worse. “But it gets better,” nothing to learn from forever,
the soul’s dark, Wholeheartedly wrapped in fatigue,
thought of happiness being something that you have to achieve,
Awkwardness, my bed cries with me when I’m sad in my sheets,
Trail of tears that supersedes the native retreat.
I create a path of logic built on a mountain of lies,
Mountain lions call me out on my pathological lying.
Fake it till you make it, hate it till you love it,
Love it that you hate me, it jets the fuel I huff in.
Was taught to cherish things that were romantically scenic,
Sucked nostalgia dry ’til nostalgia was bleeding,
Drank the blood from a chalice and soaked up its privilege,
Youth gave me a run for my money when I was broke to begin with,
A loner with dimming hope, so dull it begins to show,
A biography of my life would expose darkness over light,
Like an eclipse, with a plot twist most would think morose,
Eskimos have 50 words for snow, I acquiesce 50 words for hate,
Most manifest themselves in bloody knuckles, bloody gauze, and tape,
Learned to roll with the punches, but humans weren’t meant to roll,
A ball inside of me, that snowballs bigger every time it’s cold,
Every time I hold myself when I’m at home.

I’m a droll, dry-amusement, type of guy with nice intentions but with bad conclusions,
Soft-witted, mild human, sophisticated tall thinker, with a soul that’s sly and stupid, Controlled environment, spry delusion, I’m told, it’s tiring, To expose your entire being in poems, and in higher reading.

I never said goodbye once, cause I believe in good karma endings,
Nice guys finish last, but you learn more when you’re not as condescending.

Im a Robot, But I Bleed the Buzz of My Alcohol

I paint whole lives in the blink of an eye, summoning statisticians just to decipher my descriptions. It’s all a tangled web of numbers and analysis, a solitary journey through the dimly lit library of existence. Obsessed with the binary, I calculate the formula to dominate you—crucial at worst, but at best, it’s the pinnacle of your numerical worth.

I dissect your strengths and weaknesses, casting them into obscurity, where light cannot penetrate the abyss within my heart. I lay them out like puzzle pieces on a cold, unforgiving cube, examining the three dimensions you offer through the lens of my knowledge-forged optics. Your collage of keys becomes the data on which I thrive, drawing insights from voice inflections, initial impressions, and those crucial moments when I intervene—almost like a robotic mind at work.

I conjure visions of you cradling infants, or perhaps not. My gaze pierces the future, watching myself kiss you while I dwell in anything but the present. My actions are guided by the lack thereof, and I immerse myself in the intricate facets of your persona. It’s a world painted in molasses-thick imaginations, staining the glass with satin, where every uttered phrase becomes a spellbinding reality. I collect grains of your essence and lay them in my mental bandage, a mosaic of your essence forming within me.

The world collapses around us, and my cologne clings to your bed, embedding itself in your every breath and garment. I command your every move when I sense the pheromones that betray your desires. Beneath your flesh and bones, I unravel my own velcro-like skeleton, laughing at the words “I love you” and cherishing the sound of your laughter—a tender, ecstatic dance of synapses. I scientifically dissect your indescribable features, constructing a timeline of my longing to connect with you. It’s science fiction, it’s transparent, it’s illuminated—something akin to the actions of a drone soaring through the spectrum of colors.

I embark on lifeless odysseys of love, breaking down the fractions of the perfect touch, succumbing to the tithe of your influence. They say that 90 percent of human interaction is nonverbal, leaving me with a mere 10 percent—arguments, clerics, and the ever-unfurling nonsense. I wish I could silence the ceaseless torrent of earthly knowledge that defines our existence.

Humans are baffling and messy creatures. I react in real-time, studying sociological patterns to sharpen my intuition. I set impossibly high standards and observe the world like a bird perched in its nest. I light candles for every soul I dissect, running a wax factory deluxe, the madman scribbling in his iPhone notepad about his own emptiness. It’s man versus machine, a clockwork climax, and the hands of time point towards me. I strive to be myself, but sometimes I’m lost in the intricate calculations of when to breathe, when to make you laugh, and how to recreate the past with painful precision. It’s an emotional car crash, a toaster with arms.

I envy genuine writers with their human touch, while I remain trapped in a robotic, sickly obsession. It’s an overwhelming cauldron of cynicism, boiling over with self-doubt. I yearn for your love, hoping to escape the confines of what I am, what you know. It’s alright; I’ve yet to transform into sentient prose. How long is a century, anyway? I long to become something beyond the predictable rhythm of heartbeats and the breath from my lungs.

Our discourse unfolds in a time frame where parallel universes collide, and I hear the silence between our passionate breaths. I glimpse the world behind your closed eyelids when you dream of depths unknown, and I sometimes wish for my demise before our inevitable encounter. I’ve constructed a labyrinth where two lefts make a wrong, and if you’re right, then you’re wrong. Everything is awry, and the only path to rightness is embracing my true self. I bleed out the buzz of my alcohol-soaked thoughts along a winding, scenic route to self-discovery.

Quiet Now: ‘You Don’t Matter,’ but You’re Fine

One:
I don’t want to congratulate anybody ever. I don’t want to give people the gratitude of me acknowledging them. I want to compete with them silently. I want them not to know that I’m sneaking up behind them. I want to be a ninja.

Two:

I’d commit suicide, I’d commit it in a second.

But, Goddamn it, I was never good at commitments. In fact, I’m horrible. In fourth and fifth grade, we were supposed to exchange gifts for the holidays. My partner was my ex-best friend, and I didn’t get him anything because I thought the clock I got was a horrible gift. I was the only kid in class who showed up with nothing. I said I forgot.

Three:
I don’t have a fear of failure. My fear comes from despising myself when I do fail. And I will fail, and when I do, I don’t, because I don’t take chances. I don’t apply for jobs, I don’t ask girls out on dates, I don’t push myself in the gym, I don’t write the best I can, because I’m scared that my best will be a failure. I wrote this entire poem starting at 7:59 pm today. My train is about to land in Penn Station. I’m currently getting no service on my phone because we’re going underground. I’ll never try my best. I don’t deserve it.

And last but not least, my fourth and final passage I live by:

I’ve learned that everything in this life isn’t about you, like even at your own wedding. That isn’t about you. Don’t worry; you’re still important! But this isn’t about you. You, you, and you. Remember the most important days in your lives? They weren’t about you. But it’s okay. When I was 4, I scraped my knee, and I cried. I was in the park with my dad, and he helped me and hushed me. He asked if I was okay, and I cried yes. He looked at me and said, “Okay, quiet now, we’re in a public park, and everybody’s looking at you. This isn’t about you. You’re fine.” And I stopped crying.

Breathalyzer of Love: Part 1

So funny how I feel under the influence, without being under your influence
(In a good way. That blushing continuance where everything is different)
It’s the effluence of the mental influenza; you condemned me too.
I was THERE EVERY FUCKING SECOND; you left me clues.
Indications are vindicated. Nightfall traces of a silhouette,
Cigarettes. You might as well put it out in my eyeball.
It’s daunting.
The pernicious environment you live in out of loyalty,
Poison you absorb, and now your abuse becomes poetry.
Scars become stories, blisters that cover up his visage.
Nothing says “been through it” like discolored skin pigment.
Hahaha.
It’s like I’m stuck in a trance, a hypnotist’s wet dream.
Mentally dissident. The sexiest hypocrite you know.
The distance between being in love and being in blackness.
(P.S., I needed stitches on my wings where I was freed from your talons)
The flood of neurotoxins flushing its way out,
Gushing my oval office; concussions abstain now.
The eruption of euphoria. So scrumptious.
It’s like a volcano disrupted by the angel of covenants,
Streaks of rainbows thrusting. It’s lovely.
I love it, the luscious extremist, with illustrious features,
A noxious stream, like irony. The paradox created.
The only way to describe it would be… intoxicating.
Is anybody reading this?
Intoxicated by your lies, too intoxicated by life.
In love with not being in love,
Flipping coins, landing on ‘In God We Trust.’
Can’t wait to hold another hand, no better yet, a hand to hold mine.
Tiny explosions, farewells that bode time,
Palm reading, like pictures, bonfire and ripples.
Cosign my initials on the dotted line of this carbonized puzzle.
The crisp cracking of fire logs that reminds us that fiery passion can crumble,
And after hours of ember, nothing’s left but rubble and smolder.
Deflower December. I’m here to dismember your power. It’s over.

Hurricane Rendezvous

So, October 28th. The day before it had arrived.
Pumpkin leaflets, summer’s leaving, Volkswagen sedan on a drive.
Gusts of season, flannels, and walks through 10 p.m. suburbia nights.
Blasts of orange harvest, olfactory senses concise.
Lakeside and Beverly Creek. Lake Nelson just over in reach.
The crossover between the Fur Elise and berry stems in the streets.
The very first time we ever had kissed
And unlocked sundrops. Whirlwind storms that soon would commence
To convince ourselves that this wasn’t pretend.
October 29th, 2012, we watched on the news how much Sandy had caused
Wondering if our love was somehow the cause of it all.
Visiting Coach. Six-hour dividend coast.
Whiskey and hope. Woodford Reserve on the Millbury slopes.
Three thousand miles. A year later. Psychiatrists, and displacement was born.
The forecast was sun, sun, sun, roses without thorns on the stem.
Feet dangling off the gondola lifts. Balm on your wrist to soothe the sore on your lips.
A feeling of emptiness with her finger not adorned with a gem.
Telling me time heals all, something you accustomed me to
And I believed you because your wristwatch covered your wounds
Blood drunk, hungry for more, hungry for passion
That gets robbed from me, the moment our hands clench
I was embarrassed. Ads on the walls about marriage
False interpretations of love, made the gray areas bland
Endless carousel wagon, help reveal this fairytale land.
October 22nd, 2015, three years after it happened
I’ll never forget. I visited you after two years from the norm
Thinking it was calm, but it was just the eye of the storm
We walked home from the bar, silence spoke a desolate rage
Makeshift disarray. Maroon merlot in a vase
She undressed before walking in the room as to say
She had it with life, and its incessant display
Of obsessions for sex and temporary embrace
Of this modern day culture of sultry distaste
Bra clinging off her shoulders, so I just let the metaphor hang.
Mama let out a cry and said it wasn’t the same.
So I touched her lips with mine and understood what she claimed.
Inebriated, insane. On your breath, Cabernet.
Full-bodied, at the tavern, they knew you loved it that way.
Stroking your hair, I muttered, “I know, it’s okay.”
Knowing it wasn’t, and knowing we’ve changed.
We were both naked and touching, but felt a silk layer in haste.
And it sucks that I had nothing better to say.
Grey Goose swallowing pain.
These scars don’t define you; these scars are displays.
To let the next person know you made it out, not stronger, but strange.
Head in my chest, hair in my mouth, a hole in my brain.
Nestled in the crevices where the tension exclaimed.
A lie is just a story where it’s ruined by the truth in mistake.
Karen O and the kids on the record replays.
Squeezed each other’s hands, a two-person submission.
Inside of delusion, to sobbing in fetal position.
Relationships never play out as we have them envisioned.
It’s true what they say that life is a bitch…es.
Keeping the ring box in my pocket might’ve been indecision.
The next day, on the plane, she said to send her a text.
A thousand-kilometer stretch, it’s something we wanted in jest.
When I landed, she asked me if we could ever work out the distance.
Feeling the neglect in between the pause in her sentence.
As the autumn air in Newark Port tore through my throat.
Love rendezvous became my déjà vu, a hurricane I had to bear on my own.

Tragedy in the Stars: Cosmic Reflections

Who would’ve thought that losing resolve was such a lucrative, sought-after muse?
Because true tragedy talks volumes, but the channels on mute.
Channeling through galaxies, having to move supernovas with raw passion.
Any intuition is an intuitive loss.
So superfluous, the way it happens; a dying sun sparks creative patterns.
Tiresome survival at the cost of my madness.
There’s such an interstellar sting to the inner, selfless kid that
Finds himself on the brink of that trigger of a dwelling sink.
There’s a dimmer from the lighthouse miles away,
But there’s a vignette at the end of the tunnel that I wish I could explain.
Emotions bruised could consume you, in all.
Alive, but numb in the same extraction.
Elapsed time expands in this black hole’s chain reaction.
I blame my sadness, a loophole of unfinished business.
I love kisses when the sun’s dimming.
So dense, the fumes from the smog allude to the fact that it’s useless;
Come on. I came through from the fog, face to face with confusion.
Help. My supercomputer doesn’t understand how to do this.
Interpret binary as separate emotions.
Let the stars explode so I can say I felt the explosion.
Let the radiation mutate what’s wrong with me,
To reshape the relay of this indistinct prophecy.
Instead? It’s controlling, extending its console;
For a better understanding of a severed lover’s hand.
Came up empty-handed; the stars in the sky have become so unenchanting.
People who know me don’t even try to get it.
Too depressed to write from my perspective.
Alive, but dead. Don’t prescribe the meds.
I wish I wasn’t allowed to blink, so
I wouldn’t lose moments and still heard the sounds of them:
Like, what’s the point of sadness when nothing comes out of it?
A briefcase full of to-do lists with nothing to do.

Stephanie and Paulette: A Melodic Tale of Affection and Confusion

Blossoming beauty, bud bellowing britches,
We reap what we sow. I’m sorry, my harvest rescinded.
Behold love at first sight, to love at the last minute,
I melted my nucleus because my base was acidic.
It’s not that we grew apart; we just didn’t grow to begin with.
I want to create a spark that embarks your soulless division,
Ammunition like fuel to mobilize the holes that we sink in,
Apparition, venom that fills the abyss to the top,
‘Til I get thirsty and drink its malevolence. Stop,
Visceral, bottomless.

Listen, I’m shot,
Digesting the scintilla, dissecting the plot,
Touching the scars you gave me, and I connected the dots.

I can’t win.

You touch my jawbone in a moment of silence.
I kiss your fingertips because that’s what I’ve been exposed to, and I’m
Tired of thinking, affection needs affection in turn,
A disservice to the deterrent you never deserved.
The other day someone said they loved the way that I wrote,
Just feeling a difference in the tone in which they uttered my name,
Inflection so infectious, conundrums like a blood lust.
I could feel them touching my vein.

Asterisked Emotions: Navigating Love and Pain

I’ve become receptive to any piece of endearment,
As if getting you to talk to me is some sort of achievement.
The curve of your lips, the forming words swirled into art,
The muse from the Louvre turns my oeuvre into all,
To consume what you do, with every molecule I control,
Then to being consumed… and then to being controlled.

I’ve learned that timing is a tool that you brandish,
Practiced brainwashing of patience duly examined,
Adept at adapting, pervasive detachment,
Waiting at the riverbank’s edges for the prey, you attacked.
I took what I had left, to make a full cloak,
A wolf near the willow tree, and a sheep in wool clothing,
Didn’t need a disguise, I saw you coming a mile away,
Meters turned to inches, maybe I wanted the pain.

If I say I’m happy, there should be an asterisk given.
So now,
I gaze past your position, until days past come and visit,
Make happiness vivid, gray bandage, incisions,
That’s why executioners wear masks,
Guillotine unconfirmed, stared at the Medusa-like glare,
And into stone, I was turned,
The same stone you built bridges with just to burn.

Then and Now: My Apologies, But the Gray No Longer Holds Beauty for Me

Dear Journal,

Recollections of a picnic eventuate vividly in my mind. Amidst the reminisced scene, a profound sense of auditory quiescence prevails. What endures most is the ethereal spectacle wherein the heavens infused my being with enduring chromaticity. The transformation of a seemingly desolate desert into an entrancing marvel transpired. Heliotrope, lavender, and carmine merged in multifarious focal points, resulting in a mesmerizing spectacle. Orchid and suave essentials imbued themselves in a delightful communion of mauve and soft magenta hues. A liquid confidence transmuted into an exuberant blaze, akin to a prodigious ember. The quest for pomegranate, purposefully nurtured to invoke a sense of exquisite madness, became palpable. Moreover, the crisp frontier of ions proffered a steadfast verdure, and by that I mean, paradise..

Amid the backdrop of meticulously laid-out blankets, strategically positioned to accommodate our repose, an evocative tapestry of verdant tenderness and a tactile connection to boundless perfection ensued. It was something out of the ordinary, and a vibe that didn’t exist in our current world. In the realm of this particular planetary sojourn, the daunting discouragements of existence ceased to be of consequence. We ascended amid the nascent flourish of intricate patterns, marking the inception of an incipient romance ripe for metamorphosis into this shapeable, and lovable profound mastery.

The auditory landscape, when captured, was replete with a pitch so profoundly rich that visceral reverberations seized the very core of one’s being. A normative twitch manifested in response to the tenuous tension, so palpable one could sever it with the metaphorical blade of irrevocable sin that was ripe with blood.

The ambiance was graced with invigorating gusts of air, effecting an exfoliation of the corporeal integument. Our laughter, during this occasion, found itself immortalized in the annals of memory. Subsequently, following the consumption of the crimson nectar, the sandal-clad feet, and our resonant laughter, the scene transitioned to a majestic sunset. The vista unveiled a palette comprising a myriad of hues, numbering a thousand, gracefully transitioning across the perceptible spectrum.

Notably, the intoxication experienced was not a consequence of our corporeal imbibing but rather an immersion in the celestial panorama. The celestial bodies appeared to undulate and intertwine, mirroring the artistry reminiscent of Picasso’s oeuvre but amplified by a surreal infusion of emotion. The visual tableau was augmented with the seasoning of cilantro and love. Nonetheless, as the sun hastened its descent, we undertook the task of recording every fleeting instant, as we were loath to partake in its conclusion. The firmament seemingly ignited in celestial fervor, embodying a cataclysmic wrath that was paradoxically tempered by an amalgamated magma-like embrace.

In the present epoch, the vista appears eerily unchanged. Encased within the confines of a picture frame characterized by obsidian borders, the scenery is characterized by the presence of cloud-covered skies and smoldering verdure. A very fucking real and palpable sense of stagnation permeates the landscape, underscored by the monochromatic tapestry of smog and sepia-toned expanse. The term “blah” looms ominously, pervading the soundscape with an overpowering resonance.

The analogy of smoke to a claymore elucidates the oppressive nature of this atmosphere, leaving me grappling for words. My apologies if the words fail to flow; the constriction in my chest renders eloquence a challenging endeavor. The landscape that once evoked a sense of awe now projects an ambiance cloaked in ashen hues.

Amid this setting, I find myself seated upon the studio porch, engaged in the composition of tuneless melodies, in consort with an elegant yet unused silvery spoon. The skies, once cerulean, have now transitioned to a state of neutrality, lacking vibrancy. Amidst the prevailing inertia, I aspire to unearth a semblance of purpose.

In retrospect, the dichotomy is striking: the memory of vibrant hues rendered inexpressibly gray. It is with regret that I confess an inability to imbue this gray expanse with the beauty it once possessed. My deepest and well-suited gratitude’s for your understanding.

Sincerely, and my biggest thanks, Cristian.

JOURNAL: December 5th, 1997: A Journey of Reflection and Resilience

All little boys need father figures,

Not to be normal or sane. You wouldn’t turn on a light switch without knowing where all the conduits are placed. You grow up with a fistful of hurt, a surge like a missile, without hearing a ‘miss you.’ But one thing is certain, nothing makes you question your integrity more than knowing that your very existence is a burden. You’re a burden just to breathe. I was just a curious boy, Curious George, Curious Cristian. I tried to talk to friends, but the look on their faces hurt just to listen. A burden. “How about a counselor?” Yeah, I know the ins and outs. I’m a soldier. Here, take my money, let me cry on your shoulder. How do you plant your feet in the mud? How do you turn your feelings into comfort? How do you know what you’re feeling is real and not some misguided daydream because you’re weak and, well, younger? I’ve broken my heart into pieces asunder, endured the most embarrassing trial and error in the world to learn how to speak to a lover. It sucks. Questions I wanted to ask, questions that needed answers. How do you express greediness more than leaving a son? Upset because I proceeded to ask them. On the cusp of 24 without ever really knowing how it is to have one. Just shells of people who didn’t want to take up the task. Another week, another meek undercover. Another daydream took a plunge. Now all I want to do is scream. I want to go into the streets and scream until I don’t feel anything. Until I summon beams full of thunder, until I shudder streets full of anger, until my teeth shatter and burst into a dozen pieces of rancor, until you see a beast take refuge on the streets with an anchor, and he won’t leave until sun-up and sunsets over under. Cloverfield breach. I feel mean. The form of speech “hate” leaves me unencumbered, until you learn that my motherfucking pain isn’t something to play with, motherfucker. There’s a bloodbath of ink on this pale sheet. I’m on a smooth pace of spilling, a new space and ceiling. It’s a tragedy that I had to reduce my father figure to newspaper clippings. How my favorite ballplayer scored 30 points. There’s a new wave of emptiness intended for millennials, and I write most of everything in metaphors. Soft explanations, so the interpretation gets lost in translation because as long as I know what I meant, your misconception is void, because I felt those words when I wrote them. 100 years from now, when I’m gone, children in classrooms will be dissecting my verses with no intention or purpose. I scribbled them into quotes, a message deployed through rejection, rage, an affectionate ploy. An inception became a reflection of my own inevitable pain. Because remember, for everything set in stone, there’s a knife where the edges are frayed, irreverent, sane. I clutch an invisible pendant made out of being ashamed. It’s like every portrait drawn of me, there’s a frown on my face. Every individual second is captured in a thousand frames, and those frames are just lost; they never see light, they’re just gray. I have nightmares of being indicted for being different. There’s a judge that looks exactly like me, handing out a sentence in vain. Bail is set at impossible, and the bailiff is me too. At my funeral, I want Beethoven’s 5th set as the prelude. Every physical sentence I mash out is obsession. I’ve invented the abstract, and what’s next is a flash, exposure to quiet. I sit alone at the dinner table, three hours past supper, spinning my index finger in the red wine. Dead silence staring into the glass, as if it’s going to stare back up, and it doesn’t. Every masterpiece I created is crap. I feel my own perfection is lackluster. I don’t know. I’m impossibly hard on myself, and the quality is starting to lack. Quantity takes its place to tackle an impossible task. I’ve tacked on a badge of honor for burnout. I’ve become so accustomed to exhaustion that having energy gives me PTSD. My madness is bottled up, swallowed up by a flask of somber.

I already know what you’re going to say before you say it. It’s non-euphoric, and even if I were to become complacent, it would be out of boredom. What a soreness to wake up out of touch with the world. Yeah, I see your pain, and I raise you my void. I’m hard-strung. I’ve coughed blood into buckets. I’ve sung songs to my lovers. It’s better to have love lost than to… forget it. Making people laugh is a drug, and I love it. I run out of punchlines and realize my life was it. Feeling implicit. You need to be me to relive it. These last two decades confined to the fetal position.”